


Autumn Leaves (Are We?)

by strxwberryxngel



Series: Seasons Change, Do Our Feelings Fade? [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-04 03:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15833271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strxwberryxngel/pseuds/strxwberryxngel
Summary: Jeonghan tries his hardest not to fall because it doesn't feel right at all.On the other hand, Seungcheol thinks it's better to fall and break down alone than to take the other with him.





	Autumn Leaves (Are We?)

**Author's Note:**

> yes, the series continues a month or less prior from every season change. (even though my country only has 2 seasons lol) this is after the chaotic summer they had on cold summer nights so if you wanna clear out something in here, you might find the answer back there (:

Beauty comes in various ways.

Each and every person has different ways to have a sight of what beauty looks like to them, what it looks like from their own perception. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, indeed. From the tiniest bits of something on Earth to the largest of stars and planets across the universe, beauty is evident in every single one of them.

It may come from a perfectly good view from atop of a mountain, it may come from the shades of red and yellow during autumn, it may come from the way a person dances gracefully on the dancefloor, from the tightly held hands of two people in love, or from the blinding smiles of a family having the time of their life.

There will always be a way for a person to see what beauty is to them.

As for Jeonghan, he finds beauty in the smallest of things. The kind of beauty that if you don't put your full attention on, you'll never get to notice it, never get to know what it is. The little things are what matters the most. The details are utmost priority when it comes to him. A perfectionist is not what he would refer himself as but rather, just an appreciative one at that.

Maybe that lead him to liking the season lying between the coldest and the hottest ones. The season where leaves are pulled into the ground not just by the gravity but also by nature itself. The season where the weather is at a tolerable rate, the season where it's all just fair. It's all just moderate. And whenever it gets a bit too windy or chilly, the colors outside makes it all better with the warmth it radiates.

Walking down the familiar path heading to his own kind of hell in the form of a university building, he sees a few people strolling down along the streets with content smiles plastered on their faces. Happy from getting rid of the sweat-sticking weather and happy from being about two months away from the freezing atmosphere.

The sun is already up, casting its perfect glow on him as he continues walking. He takes the shortest path on the way there because even if he'd like to just stay outside and see with his two eyes how beautiful the place can be in this kind of weather, his new professor might not be a fan of that idea.

A bark from a small corgi puppy catches his attention, making him glance up from the pavement. It's looking up at him with doe eyes and Jeonghan had to restrain himself from picking it up and taking it home with him. Stealing a dog isn't something he'd do but apparently, he's tempted to. It's not a good mark on his records, though.

The little boy running his way calls out for his dog, apologizing to the brunet with a shy smile. It's cute and endearing, Jeonghan loves that kind of smile, reminds him of a quite similar smile close to his heart.

The young one runs away towards his playmates after hearing Jeonghan's acceptance of his apology. A usual sight one sees in a small park, kids playing around all smiles and giddy moves. The children are gathering around the dog that just got back to them, petting it and laughing when one of them unfortunately got licked on the face. There, Jeonghan decides he found yet another beauty of autumn.

Continuing his walk, a fresh breeze of air hits his skin. It's the kind of wind he'd like to have as company when he's strolling down the streets like this. He's now surrounded by a few shops meaning he's nearing the town and the university. The coffee shops are now open to wake the senses of the people needing it, having limited edition flavors favoring the current season they are having that Jeonghan likes to think are actually made for his liking. Coffee aroma seductively invites him inside one of the shops but surprisingly, he ignored the urge to sit inside and take a cup of warm coffee. He convinces himself that it's just because of the unwanted tardiness he might be marked with and not because of a certain man with a dimpled smile waiting for him at the gates of uni. Nope, definitely not.

A woman happily decorating her shop makes him halt to a stop. By the looks of the shop, it's a floral one. The woman brings out three vases to be mixed in with her other decorations. That's when Jeonghan notices the rarity of the plants he's currently viewing. These are the plants flowering during autumn, the colors of it making Jeonghan smile a bit.

A glance on his wristwatch made him move his feet again and quicken his pace this time.

_How long had he been waiting now? Shit._

Once the huge gates of the university comes to view, Jeonghan can't help but chuckle at the man obviously avoiding anyone - that is not Jeonghan - that enters it. He adjusts his bag slinging on one of his shoulders and jogs towards the other waiting for him.

The man shows his trademark gummy smile, eyes looking soft and warm, when he sees Jeonghan almost running towards him. He's wearing a black shirt under a navy blue varsity jacket and some tight jeans bracing his thighs in just the right places. His hair is a bit messy, courtesy of the wind blowing mildly. His smile goes wider and Jeonghan mirrors it.

Right there, standing near the entrance, is another gem of autumn that Jeonghan cherishes the most. Choi Seungcheol.

"Had breakfast?"

Jeonghan nods as a response as they walk side by side towards their classes. It's still a bit early for the swarm of students to occupy every bit of the campus so they take their time walking with each other's presence.

This has been the usual ever since classes started once again. They have been accompanying each other everyday. It's just like how their days went before the summer of that year, with just a bit of a change. And that change is Seungcheol's ex-boyfriend slash Jeonghan's best friend being away from them, staying in Los Angeles for good.

It was not just because of the scarring incident that happened between the three of them, though, it is a big push for Joshua to do it. His family wants him there, wants him to pursue his degree in LA. The three of them believes that they ended up in good terms. He still calls Jeonghan every once in a while and keeping up with how Seungcheol is doing through Jeonghan as well. The ex-lovers are still quite hesitant on talking that's why they just settle to be updated through their best friend.

"I must say, your blockmate is a little too persistent," Seungcheol speaks as they take a turn on their way, "You should tell him now that I don't like my lover too pushy."

That earns a nudge from Jeonghan to the older with a light scoff. 

"You should have just told him you're not interested when you had the chance," Jeonghan looks forward, careful not to bump into someone in the corridors.

Seungcheol gives him a look and replies, "Says the one who gave him my number."

He clearly remembers when it happened, Seungcheol is already outside his class, waiting for him so they can buy some more stuff they need for the semester. It's when he's about to move to exit the room when he felt a hand grab his forearm and upon turning his head, he sees his blockmate, Doyoon, smiling shyly at him.

"Uh, I'm sorry to interrupt you but may I ask you something?"

Jeonghan quickly gathers all his memories for the day, expecting to be asked about something related to one of their classes.

"Shoot."

The guy lets go of his hold on Jeonghan's arm and looks down at his feet before looking up again and saying with hopeful eyes, "Are you and that guy, together?" He points outside to where Seungcheol is, who's looking back at them with a smile.

Jeonghan did not see that coming. He almost knew where this is going. Almost.

He shakes his head, chest feeling heavier as time passes. It's not the first time he's asked about the status of the both of them, but the pain it brings will always have a way with him, poking at each and every single one of his doubts and insecurities.

Doyoon's eyes goes wide at the same time his smile does. Jeonghan was about to add his usual 'but I'm not interested for a partner as of the moment' when the other guy beats him to it, "Oh. May I know his name?"

There are so many things in his life that he regrets about and maybe a little addition to it won't do harm at all - the thing is, it did. In the end, he did not just gave away a name but also a number for his blockmate to reach out to. He received a very much loud series of laugh when he told Seungcheol about it, though, he seemed like he did not mind it at all.

Jeonghan concludes maybe Seungcheol is searching for someone too, that's why he did not take it that seriously. Maybe Seungcheol is getting lonely after his break up, maybe he needs someone new to cherish. Maybe he needs more than just a friend, needs something more than Jeonghan could offer.

And that hurts, like a bitch.

* * *

"Alone again?"

The question goes unanswered as Jeonghan goes straight to the couch, dropping his exhausted body there like a doll thrown on it. It earns a groan from the person already sitting there before he entered the shared apartment.

"Yikes, I guess I'll have to baby someone again..."

Jeonghan abruptly sits up and forms a cross sign using his forearms, "Soonyoung, I'm fine. No need."

The said man pouts, going back to his slouching position.

"You don't like hugging me anymore."

Jeonghan thinks he's cute and would gladly admit it in front of Soonyoung himself. The constant clinginess adds up to that fact as well but sometimes - like today - he rejects the offer because really, he might only show his annoyance to the other even if Soonyoung didn't do anything at all but to hug him and make him feel better.

"Soon, don't sulk, you look like a child," A deep voice chides in, emerging from the kitchen.

Wonwoo sits between Jeonghan and Soonyoung, giving his pouting boyfriend some snack to somehow lessen his staged frustration.

The trio have been sharing an apartment ever since Jeonghan decided to move in with the couple because he kind of feels lonely in his apartment already. Staying in his old apartment that is only across Joshua's old one before he went to LA feels a bit odd without the said man visiting him from time to time. He's been friends with Soonyoung and Wonwoo since high school, he saw how the two fell for each other, how Soonyoung gathered all the courage he has to ask the other out, and how they stayed together through the years.

And when he felt the irk to move out, he concludes that maybe the extra room in the couple's apartment should be put into good use for once.

"You're home early, got something to do?" Wonwoo asks as he drapes his right arm over Soonyoung who's now busy watching and eating.

"None. Just... tired," Jeonghan rests his head on the couch, looking up at the ceiling and goes through the events of the day.

Wonwoo raises a brow at that. Yes, it's a usual for Jeonghan to get tired on the daily but him running out of things to do is something different, to say the least.

"How about your essay due tomorrow?" The younger asks.

"Finished yesterday," Jeonghan lazily replies.

"The film you were working on?"

"Handed it in early a while ago."

"Portrait of your muse?" Wonwoo tries again and this time, he hears a restless sigh from the older.

Jeonghan can't pinpoint which hurts more; that Seungcheol forgot about their planned hangout today so Jeonghan can secretly finish his portrait or the fact that Seungcheol is out and about with his new companion. But he's sure that what hurts the most if he won't be able to finish the portrait until tomorrow is the mark he'll get from his terror professor.

"I decided to finish it tomorrow," Jeonghan repositions himself on the couch, now laying his head on Wonwoo's  _comfy_ shoulder.

A few moments of silence passed before Soonyoung speaks up, "You know you can use his picture as reference to draw him, right?"

The couple that is now half-cuddling beside him looks at him with curious eyes, Jeonghan can only roll his eyes at them and replies, "I've thought about that, of course. But no picture will do justice to the real deal."

Soonyoung scoffs while Wonwoo smiles at him that he's pretty sure has a meaning behind. It's better like this, for them to know that the reason he can't do it like that is because his muse's beauty is too good to be seen on a pixelated photo on his phone. And not because he does not want to let his mind wander to what Seungcheol must be doing with someone that is clearly not him.

Wonwoo then drapes his free arm on Jeonghan, "You are such a whipped man."

Just then, Soonyoung asks Wonwoo to bring him his blue blanket from their room to which the other obeyed as quick as he can possibly manage.

The  _whipped_ man turns to Wonwoo and says, "You're one to talk."

Soonyoung and Jeonghan shares a look beside Wonwoo and well, Jeonghan must say, his Thursday night isn't bad at all with these two dorks beside him.

* * *

He inhales deeply before settling down on a shade provided by a nearby tree. Taking out his sketch pad, he looks at the sight in front of him. The university garden looks so different now. The day he last set his foot inside it, the place was filled with colorful flowers and the aura it gives is just so vibrant. It was last spring when he had no place to go since the cafeteria was too loud for his liking. Just like today, when he desperately needs peace.

Now, the garden is filled with shades of red and yellow, leaves scattered all around the place. There are still leaves falling down to the ground and Jeonghan finds it relaxing and soothing.

Once he places his sketch pad in front of him, he takes out his phone which instantly dings with a new message popping out on the screen.

**_Class just finished. I'll be there in 5! (:_ **

He sighs as he looks at his unfinished work, barely half of it is done. He curses himself for being too stupid to even think that keeping the portrait a secret to his own muse and giving it as a suprise gift to him would be a great idea. So before tucking himself to sleep last night, he made sure to text Seungcheol to meet the next day to tell him about it and maybe stop being MIA all the time.

Observing his surrounding once again, he hears nothing but the few rustling of leaves on each other, some faint distant noise from outside and the blows of the wind hitting the plants around him. He leans his back on the tree behind him and before he knew it, he's already drifting to sleep.

A few minutes passed and a soft touch on his chin made him open his eyes slowly, waking up from his short nap. He sees Seungcheol's face close to his, too close that he can clearly see all the fine details of the man's face. The bags under his eyes, results of the late night gaming and cramming. The soft plump - and weird, but cutely weird - lips. His cheeks that used to be fluffy and pinch material that are now getting a bit hollow, as to why, he might ask later. The extremely long lashes that obviously is an asset of the man. And the eyes. Those deep brown orbs that never fails to take Jeonghan's breath away, as if it's telling him something that only the two of them should know, giving him the gaze he would never want to lose.

Seungcheol's hold on his chin suddenly goes a bit tighter and tilts his head up, "Are you tired?"

Going back to reality and leaving his daydream phase, he sits up straight. He replies after yawning, "Kind of."

A frown becomes visible on Seungcheol's pretty features. And in that moment, Jeonghan just wants to remove the creases on his forehead.

"Let's just go home, crash to my apartment and sleep. What do you think?"

In any other time, Jeonghan could've said yes and even be the one to lead the way home. But today is not just any day. It's the day before he hands in his work and having it abandoned for sleep doesn't sound good at all.

"I actually can't. You see, I have this work I have to finish and uh..." He trails off, leaving a curious Seungcheol hanging. He feels shy to say what he really needs to do. Because really, telling Seungcheol that he inspires him to do art might be a little too awkward for the both of them. And his overthinking mind is already telling him that this will bring them inconvenience in the near future.

He looks at Seungcheol again and it hits him. If not now, then when? If not him, then who? There's no one else that affects him like Seungcheol can.

"I need to draw a portrait of my muse."

The raven-haired tilts his head and even that slightest of movement did not go unnoticed by Jeonghan, it looks cute when Seungcheol does that.

"You are the muse..."

As if a light bulb is turned on inside his head, Seungcheol nods his head with his mouth a bit open.

Jeonghan waits. He's waiting for the reaction that comes after his statement. He expects Seungcheol to stand up and start to leave him there, saying he's busy or has something important to do than sitting there and letting Jeonghan draw him. All his thoughts were dismissed though, when Seungcheol stood up. Jeonghan closes his eyes and bows his head, cursing himself once again for a failed attempt at doing his damn task.

"So, how do you want me to pose for you?"

The ever-so-beautiful voice calls him, grabbing his attention as he looks up at Seungcheol who's now sitting with his legs folded and away from Jeonghan but in just a good amount of distance so Jeonghan can still draw him detail by detail. A smile forms on Jeonghan's lips.

Some leaves are slowly dropping to the ground around Seungcheol as the sun rays are striking at the right direction to emphasize Seungcheol's outline. It's beautiful, and the smile that the other man gives him makes it all even better.

"Stay just like that," He quickly gets his pencils, tearing his first draft sketch out of his pad and starting right away with his new work.

Every time he takes a glimpse of Seungcheol, the man's smile is still there. At some point, he thinks Seungcheol's hurting his jaws already but it won't even change a bit. Jeonghan is too focused on copying the exact same lines on the other's face and put it on his paper that the time he finished drawing his face up to his neck, is the only time he realizes that he copied the exact same fond expression Seungcheol is giving him. He didn't see it while drawing him, he saw it when he drew him.

"I'm almost... almost f-finished," Jeonghan manages to blurt out while continuing to draw some more details to complete the whole picture.

It took them almost one and a half hour and it was totally worth it, seeing the result and the proud look on Seungcheol's face after taking a look at Jeonghan's masterpiece. 

It must be one of his best works. Maybe because it's his muse after all. Truth is, he can draw Seungcheol with just his own familiarity. And yet, he wants to do it with him, to be with him while doing it because he wants it to be nothing but perfect.

"It's beautiful. I'm pretty sure you'll get an A+ for this one," Seungcheol says while staring at his own portrait, obviously happy with the result.

Jeonghan is busy rummaging through his stuff that before he can even think about it, the words are already out of his mouth.

"Yeah, because you're beautiful."

Three. It took Jeonghan three seconds to realize why Seungcheol turned silent.

He grabs hold of the other's arm and drags the both of them out of the garden saying, "Let's eat. My treat! Take it as my gratitude."

The beaming Seungcheol after his suggestion made him sigh in relief. Saved by the bell. Because really, he's not yet ready for any talk that may lead to what he just said about Seungcheol being beautiful. And the garden feels like mocking him as leaves fell even more just like how he fell for Seungcheol, slowly but surely going down and down.

* * *

"I thought you would decline me today," Jeonghan says as they wait for their food.

Seungcheol who has his chin resting on his palm, looks at him and asks, "Why would I?"

Jeonghan contemplates for a moment whether to answer with his real thoughts or just leave a lame excuse. He then sighs, giving up the idea of lying. Seungcheol can see through him anyway, "You have been too busy these days... with Doyoon."

He tried so hard. He tried his hardest not to sound like a jealous partner but to no avail since his transparency with his emotions are not that easy to control. They are not even together, why should he be jealous? Why does he sound jealous? And most importantly, what's his right to be jealous?

Avoiding Seungcheol's gaze, he looks at the glass window beside him, watching people pass by. 

"Well, I guess that won't be a problem anymore," Seungcheol follows his gaze outside, smiling to himself.

"What do you mean?" Jeonghan eyes Seungcheol in question.

Just then, their food arrives, interrupting their conversation. They thanked the waiter and proceeded to start eating. All the while, Jeonghan can't keep his mind off to what Seungcheol said.

"I told him I'm not really looking for a partner," Seungcheol's words made Jeonghan's tight chest loosen a bit. But it only lasted for a few moments when Seungcheol speaks again, "And besides, I already have my eyes fixed on someone."

Jeonghan gives off an awkward chuckle and comments, "This someone better be feeding you well then."

It earns a dreamy smile from Seungcheol to which Jeonghan finds adorable. But he can't help to feel disappointed. Seungcheol is interested on someone. Well, that's his chance thrown out to the window once again.

They continue eating while chatting about nothing in particular. When they finished, Jeonghan told Seungcheol to just wait for him outside as he goes for the comfort room. As he set his foot outside, he sees Seungcheol's broad back just across from him. The man seemed to be thinking deeply.

He lightly pushes Seungcheol's side and says, "Mind sharing your thoughts?"

Seungcheol puts his hands on his pockets while beaming with that gummy smile of his, "I'd rather not. I'll take you home?"

He nods with a small smile.

Jeonghan is not one to barge into someone's business. But this is not just anybody. This is Seungcheol. And Seungcheol dismissing his offer to listen seems to leave a bad effect on Jeonghan.

* * *

A sunday means rest day for Jeonghan. The only day of the week that he believes is devoted for relaxing especially when school works are not piled up on his desk, waiting for him to finish them. Thankfully, today he can spend his time on anything he might want to do after finishing his requirements that were mocking him all throughout the week.

He takes a deep breath before knocking on the door, the usual pattern of knocks reasoning out on the corridor outside the apartment. He finds the tune of it cute. And after doing it countless of times, it soon became a trademark of him. Each time he does it, the man inside already knows it's him at the doorstep.

It's been a minute and there's still no answer or any form of response. Doing it again, he adjusts his hold on the framed portrait and the packed food he cooked this morning. After a while, he gets impatient and settles to using his well-earned copy of the key of the apartment door. 

He opens the door, cautiously walking inside, "Seungcheol? I brought food!"

When he's answered with silence, he proceeds to walk towards the bedroom where he guesses Seungcheol is. The door is a bit ajar so he just continues to walk his way in. It's dark. He adjusts his eyes to the darkness and looks around the room, searching for the person he's here for.

There, sitting in front of the huge closet is the light that's been guiding Jeonghan these days, Seungcheol. The man's sitting on the floor, wire of earphones stretched out from the bed to his ears.

"Cheol?" Seungcheol's head turns as he hears his name being called out. Once he sees Jeonghan, he takes off his earphones and says, "Oh, sorry. I didn't hear you coming in."

Jeonghan hums as a response, leaves the portrait and the food on the bed and takes the space beside Seungcheol to sit on. He sees a stack of clothes neatly arranged and some stuff being put inside a blue box by the older, "What are those?"

He starts to pick up one of the clothes and just then that he realizes, it's Joshua's. Upon registering who the owner of the clothes is, he looks at Seungcheol with wary eyes who's currently just looking at the stuff he's putting inside the said box.

Jeonghan can read through him, Seungcheol is an open book when it comes to him. There's a hint of sadness seeping from the man and something Jeonghan isn't really sure would be relief. And at that moment, he knows.

"Moving forward?" Carefully, he tries to open him up even more.

Seungcheol just nods, arranging the notepads Joshua had left on his bedside table, "Have been for the past few months, but been trying for a year or two now, if you can't tell."

He hears a chuckle coming from Seungcheol. And it sounds bittersweet to his ears.

There are a lot of things to say but Jeonghan can't bring himself to tell out loud. So he settles to resting his hand on Seungcheol's. The action isn't foreign to the two of them, in all honesty, it would be a normal thing if only Jeonghan isn't such a coward like he thinks he is. But his shaky hands have always been betraying him.

The thing is, Seungcheol is someone to stand up for the people special to him. So when he started to move his hand to intertwine their fingers, it isn't much of a surprise to Jeonghan. Because while Jeonghan is a scaredy cat, Seungcheol is more than willing to let him know that there's nothing to be afraid of.

"You know, before he left, he asked me one last favor," Seungcheol caresses the back of the younger's hand with his thumb, creating soothing circles on it. Jeonghan braces himself for what's about to come since the tone Seungcheol is using is serious and won't give away anything. After a few more moments of silence, Seungcheol continues, "He asked me to not love anybody..."

Nothing in this world could have prepared him for that statement alone. And as if Seungcheol sensed his tensed reaction, the man pulls his hand close to his lips and plants lingering kisses on his hand. Sure, they have shared kisses (hot ones, even) before but that's just only in one regretful night where they are drunk and out of their minds which makes this totally different, maybe that's why Jeonghan had the urge to pull back but he also can't deny the fact that it warms him in a way that feels right. It helped lessen the heavy feeling rising in Jeonghan's chest but it remains with the same bittersweet taste in it.

Seungcheol stopped and right when Jeonghan's about to pull his hand back, the man once again started speaking while tightening his hold on him, with voice small he says, "I did not say anything, too surprised to even come up with a reply. Maybe I'm just too transparent for him, easy to read as they call it. Or maybe my reaction gave it away. Because he then tells me, 'You're thinking of Jeonghan, aren't you?'"

Seungcheol looks at him, the most vulnerable expression painted on the beautiful face he have come to adored long ago.

Jeonghan can feel his insides turn and go back in a beat. Now, that's something he can't put himself to believe for Seungcheol to say. But he remains silent, waiting for more words to come out of Seungcheol.

The older looks down on their intertwined fingers, delicately holding on, as he says, "I would be lying if I were to say no to him and I thought it would be unfair for him if I were to say yes so I embraced him and he told me not to fuck it up with you."

Jeonghan's brows furrowed and his grip on Seungcheol became loose. He shakes his head, knowing very well where the conversation is about to go to, "No. We can't."

"So you don't feel the same way?" Seungcheol says, voice laced with so much hopelessness, still looking at their hands.

At that point, Jeonghan feels like suffocating. It's like the air that he shares with Seungcheol which used to be his lifeline suddenly became all too much and he just can't keep up. He wanted to say yes, he wanted to just let it be and say fuck you to the world. But he's not one to be fearless enough to do that. And he, himself knows that.

He slowly pulls his hand away from Seungcheol, to which the other did not even bother to stop or to even look at. Jeonghan then speaks, carefully threading the thin lines they are currently walking on, "It's not like that. It just feels wrong. I can't risk it. I can't risk  _this_ for us."

It felt like eternity before Seungcheol finally, finally looked at him. He's wearing a smile but his glassy eyes says otherwise.

"Thought so too," Seungcheol stands up, leaving Jeonghan on the floor, "C'mon, let's eat what you brought. Then help me put up this portrait on the living room."

Nothing. It's like nothing happened the whole day. Jeonghan would like to believe that it's just his imagination making up the conversation they had that morning but his aching heart makes it enough for him to know that it was indeed real. Seungcheol acted normal and like the usual so he figures he would be doing exactly that too.

That night, as he watched the leaves go down from his bedroom window, his heart felt like it's going down as well, being buried deep until it can't even beat. It's not the same feeling when he sees Seungcheol. When he smiles, when he pouts, when he looks back, when he cries or when he's just there, being breathtakingly beautiful.

Sleep did not come to him that night.

* * *

"Hyung, with all due respect, I'm going to be real honest with you, you are being so stubborn right now."

Jeonghan can sense Wonwoo's frustration even without looking at him. He can't blame him, though. The man has been witnessing everything unfold in front of him.

As he flips his book to the next page, he replies, "I know."

"Why?"

He leaves the question hanging in the air, not knowing what to give as a response. From the day they had that conversation, it has been going downhill for the both of them. He would like to believe that the two of them are just really busy with their own lives. But in any other day, that will never be the case. They are just avoiding each other, avoiding to bring up something that may end up not so well.

Every text and every call made contains the same message, they are busy and won't be able to make it. Sometimes, it's Seungcheol but mostly, it's Jeonghan. The daily and weekly routines built were now blurry.

"It's too risky. I can't lose another best friend," Jeonghan confesses as he closes the book after reading the same line over and over again.

Wonwoo sits up from his lying position to look at Jeonghan, "We all know damn well you did not lose Joshua. And you won't lose Seungcheol. If someone's to be afraid, it should be Seungcheol but look at him! He was ready. He was ready to take a chance," His voice has always been deep but his words are way deeper than that.

A few moments of silence passes before Jeonghan voices out his thoughts, "But it's different. Sure, I did not lose him but his trust? I don't know," He sighs heavily, trying to let out the unsettling feeling bubbling in his chest, "I'm just... scared. I can't afford to lose Seungcheol. And it doesn't add up, you know. I would be dating an ex of a friend? And the fact that I have always been with them sends something. Ridiculous."

"But you love him."

Hearing those words made it more real. He have been escaping to admit it but the truth is, he can't. That fact feels like a tattoo imprinted all over his body, denying it won't change a thing.

"That, I do."

A fond smile forms on Wonwoo's lips as he moves closer to Jeonghan, "And you know what they say when you love someone."

"Let them go?"

Wonwoo smacks Jeonghan's forehead lightly and says, "Idiot. You fight for them. Don't accept defeat when you haven't even tried to fight."

As Jeonghan massages his forehead - it actually stings - a knock is heard from the door and when it opened, Soonyoung comes in with a soft smile.

"I ordered food, it should be here in 30 minutes or else I'll be paying half," Soonyoung says as he settles on sitting on the floor, arms lying on Wonwoo's lap and head resting on it, "What are you guys talking about?"

The oldest in the room sighs when Wonwoo answered for them, "About him and his very own stubborn act."

As if a light bulb lit up in Soonyoung's head, he says, "Oh. Still confused, are you?"

Jeonghan nods and lets himself fall onto the soft mattress of his bed. These two persons with him right now saw how miserable he was for the past few days, and also the only people he can trust to lay his heart out on. So it's no surprise if they have made conclusions of their own even before Jeonghan told them exactly what happened. What he's grateful for is that the couple did not judge.  They are both aware of what Joshua and Seungcheol have shared together in the past but they told Jeonghan that it's nothing to be minding too much.

"It is never wrong to love, Jeonghan," Soonyoung gives a light squeeze to Jeonghan's thigh as a form of comfort.

He frowns, exactly the way he frowns when he feels like tearing up, "But I'm scared, what if I fuck this up? Can't afford to lose that man, you know."

The couple only stares at him and then at each other and lastly looking back at him again. 

After a beat, Soonyoung stands up, taking his boyfriend with him, "Take the risk, Han. I'm pretty sure he still feels the same way for you or at least doesn't want to leave you just yet."

Wonwoo adds, "And by what you're doing, aren't you fucking it up already? Aren't you losing him slowly already?"

"And Jeonghan?"

Jeonghan's head shoots up, blinking at Soonyoung.

"Take us as an example. We took the risk," Soonyoung says while raising his and Wonwoo's intertwined hands.

With that, the couple is out of the room, headed to the dining area, telling Jeonghan that they all should have dinner together so he better come out soon.

He bites his lip, contemplating on what to do or what not to do.

This is a tough one, he must admit. He wishes he can just go back to the days when no feelings were involved, when he can spend the night and day with Seungcheol without the awkward atmosphere eating him alive with each passing second. How easy it would be if only he can do just that.

Feelings are hard to deal with and Jeonghan is tired of it.

With one fixed agenda in his mind, he stands up and gets his phone to type a text message he never imagined to be so hard to do.

Deciding to eat first before facing a war he's been postponing to happen for days now, he gets out of his room and joins the couple in the dining area. He tries to revert his attention to the food from the message he just sent.

**_Meet me at the park at 8. Just. Please. Don't say no to me for once._**

* * *

Jeonghan walks with his head down, chilly air seeping through his two layered clothes. A huge amount of courage and self motivating thoughts made him go out of the apartment and still pursue his plan even with the lack of response from Seungcheol's side.

He sits on a bench, anxious of what might go down tonight. As he looks up, he sees the night sky just as beautiful as he had always wanted it to be. The moon is shining bright and with the help of the light coming from a post above him, he's pretty sure Seungcheol will be able to have him in sight in their usual spot. There are only a few people in sight, chattering sounds can be heard from the distance.

He gently tugs at his jacket when he felt the wind getting more and more chilly. He wishes he could have brought his scarf with him or maybe he have made a huge mistake when he impulsively went to the nearby salon to get his hair cut a few months ago.

With that being said, his eyes starts to go sleepy mode courtesy of the peaceful and chilly breeze.

* * *

"Hannie," A soft voice calls his name as he felt warmth from his cheeks, "Hannie, wake up."

Upon opening his eyes, he's met with deep brown orbs and long and pretty lashes he didn't actually expect to see tonight. Again, Jeonghan decides he can't possibly go on with life without those eyes meeting his gaze in the future. He tries to adjust his vision and the other man helps him straighten his sitting position.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep, how long have you been here?" Jeonghan's voice is quiet and low.

Seungcheol smiles apologetically before saying, "Just got here. And no, no need to be sorry. I'm the latecomer," He trails off and sighs after sitting beside Jeonghan on the bench, "I didn't want to wake you up, honestly. You look peaceful like that."

No words were spoken after that. Jeonghan can't put himself to say what he needs to. All the words inside his head keeps on trying to come out, leaving him with nothing to say, not knowing which ones to say first.

After the awkward moments passed, Jeonghan takes a deep breath and finally speaks, "I missed- No. I miss you, I still do."

With a pounding heart and shaky hands, Jeonghan faces Seungcheol and embraces him. The feeling of warmth feels so familiar to him, feels like his home. The scent of Seungcheol making him intoxicated. And it all feels better when Seungcheol returns the hug saying, "I would be lying if I were to say I did not miss my best friend."

For a second, Jeonghan just wanted to stay like that, having Seungcheol in his arms. But he needs to pull back first if he wants that to actually happen.

He untangles himself from the other and with a sheepish look in his eyes, he blurts out, "We both know why we acted like that. And it's my fault, I'm so sorry Cheol. Throughout the whole time I wasn't with you, I have come to realize a thing."

Seungcheol stays silent, listening to him intently. Jeonghan takes that as his cue to continue. He looks straight into Seungcheol and puts his hand on the other's cheek.

"God, Cheol. I can't afford losing you."

He hugs him again but this time, it's tighter and more grounding. It feels like his words were being reenacted into life. He buries his face into the space between Seungcheol's neck and shoulders.

Seungcheol replies, "You won't lose me, Hannie. Never."

The hand soothing Jeonghan's back felt like the reassurance he needed. It felt like the certainty he longs for.

Jeonghan smiles, the brightest one in the past few days. He feels a bit taken aback though, when he feels something wet drop onto his forehead. It couldn't be the rain, the stars were shining bright tonight.

"Are you crying?" Jeonghan asks in half disbelief and half teasing tone.

As Seungcheol wipes his tears away with the back of his hand, he says, "What do you think?"

Jeonghan chuckles as he clasps his hands behind Seungcheol, arms tightly wrapping on his waist and his chin resting on Seungcheol's chest while looking up, "But why?"

Seungcheol chuckles too. He puts both his hands on either side of Jeonghan's face and pouts, "Because you don't want to be my boyfriend."

The man in question laughs before once again hugging Seungcheol tightly for a moment.

Jeonghan then moves to cling to Seungcheol's neck, hands touching the back of his neck. He did not know what it was. Was it the loud beating of his heart? Or was it the autumn chilly wind that pushed him to do it.

Warm soft lips are touching his, moving slowly and taking their time. It was welcoming, lovingly, passionate and it was definitely perfect. The rest of the place tuned out to him and it's like they were in a world of their own.

Pulling back while catching their breaths, they both smile at each other. Both sporting with love, adoration and relief.

"Oh, I love my boyfriend."

Seungcheol raises an eyebrow at him, a challenging smirk tugging at his lips.

"You have one?" Seungcheol asks.

Jeonghan plants a kiss to his nose and says, "I do have now. I fell way too hard for him."

"I did too. But don't be afraid, for I am ready to catch you."

"I'd catch you too."

**Author's Note:**

> aaaand that's it. let me know what you think about this, it would really help me a lot! thanks xx
> 
> the 3rd installment would be posted around december i guess and since it's solely for the cold months, maybe i'd put something hot like uhhhh... smut? yeah omg


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